435 | When a Child Cheats Because They Have to Win: What's Really Happening in the Playroom?

Episode summary

In this episode, I answer a question about an 8-year-old who loves playing games but will do almost anything to make sure he wins—including cheating, changing the rules, and creating games where the outcome is stacked in his favor. When he does lose, he becomes angry, shuts down, or refuses to continue. I explain why our goal in CCPT is not to teach a child that losing is okay. That subtle shift gives us a therapist agenda. Instead, the therapeutic goal is for the child to eventually discover that even though losing may feel awful, he can handle it.

I also explore what may be underneath the need to win, including low self-esteem, low frustration tolerance, anxiety, power and control, and the child's tendency to connect losing with being a loser and failing with being a failure. Rather than stopping the cheating or correcting the rules, we remain neutral, reflect feelings, provide encouragement that isn't tied to outcomes, and trust the child to work through these struggles in the playroom. Progress isn't that the child suddenly enjoys losing—it's that eventually he can lose, tolerate the disappointment, regulate himself, and say, "Okay, let's play again."